what day is it and did you see me today?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
