Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
