I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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