Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
This is classic penis vs brain.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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