This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
