I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
