Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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