i was born a porn star she said
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Send help, water and tortillas.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
