I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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