A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
