Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
