god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
