happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
