Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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