someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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