I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
