a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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