I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
