Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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