How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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