I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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