There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
