some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
