Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
