we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
