I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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