i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
