My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
