So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
