Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
