If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
