I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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