call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
