dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
