My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
