apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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