hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
