i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I cut my penus on the lid.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
