If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
