Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
