I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
