I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
