You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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