Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
