I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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