mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
