How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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