I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
