new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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