Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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